Beneath the Fog

The rain has been falling for a long time.

I sit in my chair beside the window, but I am not really watching the rain. I am staring somewhere beyond it, into a place I cannot see and cannot name.

The gray light fills the room.

Everything is quiet.

I think there was a time when I had dreams.

I wanted to travel. I wanted to see places beyond this little room, to stand somewhere unfamiliar and feel the world stretching out before me.

I wanted love.

I wanted a little shop of my own, filled with beautiful things I had chosen myself. Angels on shelves. Flowers in the windows. Plants reaching toward the sunlight. I imagined making the place warm and welcoming, a place where people would come in and stay awhile.

I wanted to write.

I wanted a garden.

I wanted family and friends gathered around me, talking and laughing, their voices filling the house.

I wanted to make a difference.

To touch someone's life in a meaningful way.

To be happy.

To give happiness away.

Those were my dreams.

Or at least, I think they were.

Some of them must have come true. I can feel that somewhere inside me. There are pieces of a life hiding in here, buried beneath all this fog.

But I can't find them.

I reach for a memory, and my hand closes around nothing.

A face appears for a moment.

Then it is gone.

A name comes close.

Then disappears before I can say it.

I wonder if I am waiting for someone.

Perhaps I am.

Perhaps they are waiting for me.

The rain runs down the glass, and I watch one drop follow another. They seem to know where they are going.

I don't.

I sit here staring into the grayness, trying to remember what I was supposed to remember.

There is no yesterday.

No tomorrow.

Only this room.

This chair.

This rain.

And me.

I suppose some dreams are finished.

Others may still be waiting.

Perhaps they will have to wait for another life.

I don't know if there will be another life.

But sometimes, when I stare into the rain, I imagine there is a place beyond this forgetting—a place where everything I lost is waiting patiently for me.

My family.

My garden.

My words.

My angels.

My memories.

Myself.

And perhaps, when I finally find that place, someone will take my hand and say,

"You were here."

And I will remember.

Even if only for a moment.